Have you ever stopped to think about how hard it is to be a toddler? They have so many big emotions and feelings and don’t know how to always handle them or how to explain them. Now think about the adult friends in your life and what happens when they get overwhelmed with their big feelings. They tell you they don’t want to talk or they say they will reach out later. Why don’t we do the same thing with our toddlers?
I by no means am a perfect mom and have fallen short more times than I care to admit. When it comes to being a mom, this is my first time so I’m sure I’ll mess up again. One thing I have learned with B is how to talk to him when the big feelings take over.
Toddlers deserve the chance to sit in their feelings just like anyone else. When they are overwhelmed and throwing a tantrum they won’t immediately calm down (if your toddler does do that then send that good juju my way please). They should be able to have some time to sit in what is upsetting them and yet most of the time our first instinct is to tell them to calm down or to go to another room. In a way, that is invalidating them when we say, “hey I see your feelings are too much so either calm down or go to your room because I don’t wan to hear it.” Don’t get me wrong, I did this for quite a while when B had his tantrums because in the moment it was the easy solution. So, what is this grand idea?
When B is having a moment of strong feelings this is what I TRY to do. I walk over to him, meet him where he is at, and sit down next to him. I don’t reach for him or force him to look at me I just sit near him. I tell him that momma is here when he is ready to talk. I make sure he understands that by asking him if he is ready. He typically says no and I finish it off with “Okay bud, come tell momma when you are ready to talk okay?” Sometimes it takes a couple minutes and other times it is as soon as I am back in my seat. The point is that I am putting the ball in his court and giving him a chance to use his own voice to tell me when he is ready. That moment we share when he does come to talk to me is one where he knows momma is giving him her full attention. He knows that this is on his terms and power to face the conversation for his tantrum and outburst. I understand that he has to learn how to handle his feelings and emotions appropriately, but I also acknowledge he is 3.
I am giving B a chance to use his voice and to know that he is safe to express himself. When he comes to me, it allows me to show him that I meant what I said, momma is here.
I think sometimes we get so caught up in trying to resume the peace that we don’t sit in what the real issue is. There was a reason he got so upset and lost control, whether we think it is legitimate or not, it affected him in some way.. Something in his little brain caused him to only react with the emotions and not the logic. My hope is that B begins to see that he is safe to have his big feelings with the goal being to regulate them well. Again, I know he is only 3 and sometimes this method epically fails and it takes a while to calm down. Patience is big with this and I have to remember he is learning things for the first time all the time.
Being a momma is the greatest gift and I will never take it for granted. If I can teach my son that I hear, see, honor, and validate his feelings then hopefully he will offer that same grace to people in his life. Tell me when you’re ready bud.
-Em
The Single Momma 